CONFLICT RESOLUTION TECHNIQUES AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION TIPS

This page describes conflict resolution techniques, and steps of conflict resolution, in the context of communication problems in relationships. In addition, it shares conflict resolution tips that will improve communication in relationships.

Effective, and lasting, conflict management can only be achieved if we understand the three crunch elements involved:

Conflict resolution techniques, and conflict management, however, exist to avoid finishing up with a "winner" and a "loser".

* content - i.e. win-win about the issue or problem or situation, so that everyone involved walks away with a satisfactory outcome, and

* process - i.e. in addition to the above, everyone walks away having benefited from HOW the steps of conflict resolution were implemented and, in particular, with a stronger relationship.

So, in using conflict resolution techniques, we need a different definition to work with. For example:

That is, we don't all live in the same world, we each live in our perception and interpretation of the world.

And, by definition, this is bound to be different as we all have different experiences, different filters, aspirations, emotions, personalities etc. etc.

So, it is inevitable that in communication in relationships someone, somewhere, sometime will disagree with your point of view.

You can choose to take it personally, argue, fight etc. to convince them that they are wrong and you are right.

That is, you can choose to "win" - the risk is though, that you will turn the difference into a liability and create communication problems in relationships.

Because if there's a winner, there's a loser and he or she might just store up the grudge until they get a chance to even up the score in the future.

Or, you can choose to use conflict resolution techniques - that is, make the conflict, the difference in view, an asset by dealing with it so that each of you learn and generate an outcome better than you started with and improve your relationship at the same time (see below for an explanation of HOW to achieve this).

Well, imagine that everyone totally agreed with everyone else about absolutely everything.

Well, we could repeat what we had done before but would there ever be a new idea or change? Would we be able to release and realise our potential?

Hard to say, but the wisdom seems to be that it is out of differences that progress results. It is when we disagree that we have the potential to learn.

It all depends on how we deal with the conflict. Again, as above, we have another choice.

If we choose to explore the difference and use it to stimulate learning and new thinking, we'll likely finish up with a win-win.

If we choose to fight, because "I'm right", we'll likely finish up with a win-lose or lose-lose.

Whilst differences may be a great stimulus to change, and learning etc., as above, change is often a stimulus for conflict.

And if someone perceives that change is being done TO them, and they have a lot to loose, and they cannot influence the situation, they will often feel negative emotions, fear and threat to their future in some way.

But it doesn't have to be like that if we use a conflict resolution techniques approach. If we can manage change so that we avoid all the above, then most people will welcome it and benefit from it.

All relationships are built on emotions which, as we all know, can range from love to indifference, are not static and can never be taken for granted.

That is, conflict resolution techniques may be easier and more successful if based on a strong supportive relationship.

And, at the other end, a stronger relationship is one of the key outcomes of using positive conflict resolution techniques.

Does this mean that we all have to like or love each other and we all have to be buddies.

It may be a nice bonus, and it may be desirable, if we get on well together and like each other, but it is not essential.

There are three elements, however, that are ideal outcomes of conflict resolution techniques; that are at the heart of strong relationships; and that will help to prevent communication problems in relationships:

In this context, defined as, "I know that you will not take unfair advantage of me".

You don't in any absolute sense, you believe it, or not, based on your experience of them.

If you want to build trust with another person you will have to SHARE experiences with them and you will have to take some RISKS (e.g. by sharing things that may make you vulnerable and open to them taking advantage), and see what happens.

One - you may respect someone for their competence or expertise even though you are doubtful about their values as a parent, say.

Two - you may respect someone for their values in the Church or community even though they are not very good at the job they hold.

Sometimes, our admiration for some attributes of a person may dominate our willingness or ability to see other less attractive aspects.

This makes the successful use of conflict resolution techniques more difficult, of course, and is a good reason to use the services of a facilitator.

This element has to do with encouragement and help when needed and clearly suggests a less than selfish agenda.

Put another way, if someone's agenda is always to personally benefit, no matter the negative effects on others, most people will see this, "what's in it for me?", one-dimensional attitude as un-supportive which will often erode respect and undermine trust.

In using conflict resolution techniques, and in conflict management situations, it is helpful to keep the emotions and relationships positive by using the mnemonic C.H.A.N.G.E.:

C - calm down emotions and channel them to the objectives to be achieved (this can be helped by using your power wisely)

A - analyse the situation. For example, focus on the situation, not the personalities, and break it down into bits (how do you eat an elephant?, bit by bit) with left brain thinking

N - number mutual benefits. If appropriate, use techniques such as brainstorming to generate options and the benefits they will yield to all

G - get commitments to action and change (e.g. who has to go away and do what differently, by when? How will others support them?)

E - ensure follow-up (regarding progress with change about the issue, and relationships, and how well the conflict resolution techniques have worked).

Many, if not most, difficulties, and win-lose positions, arise when someone is prescriptive or directive about means (that is, HOW something must be done or changed).

Effective conflict resolution tips include the advice to step back (e.g. “there’s another way of looking at that, of course….” or, “let me summarise what I think I’ve heard you say….”), and seek agreement on the ends (that is, WHAT do we need to achieve here?).

When you agree on the ends (i.e. the why? and what?), make it explicit that you’re only disagreeing on the means (the how?s).

Having got agreement on the ends, then, do one (or more) of the following (it’s your choice again):

* respect the different “how?”s and agree to review whether those you choose, and judge to be effective, deliver the ends further down the track (that is, park up the "how?'s as "starting" options, not finishing positions - you'll come back to them later).

* take each of the other person’s “how?”s and your “how?”s and, in detail, explore which of them is most likely to deliver the “what? and why?”s

* get inclusive – having found common ground (the ends) ask the other person to join you in generating more “how?”s (the means) than your starting options (see above).

Often, this requires the use of some think differently techniques such as brainstorming.

Generating more options together, though, is one of the really smart conflict resolution techniques and will often yield a win-win.

The face-to-face exchanges involved in handling conflict as an asset require effective communications, especially:

* active listening – e.g. pick up on new information and contradictions (calm emotions)

* checking for symptoms / problems (e.g. ask and agree what should be happening; what’s actually happening; what’s the gap and how to close it)

* challenging the (often unspoken) assumptions (e.g. by asking the question, “what if those assumptions are invalid or are changed?”)

* agreeing outcomes – both content and process – making commitments and following-up to ensure learning and continuous improvement.

Ah yes, but....can you guarantee that the above conflict resolution techniques will work?

Well, we're dealing here with people in conflict and when their emotions may be in charge.

It is impossible to guarantee or predict that the above conflict resolution techniques, and conflict management approaches, will be effective in all non-rational situations.

That is, encourage the people involved to take responsibility for their future (i.e. whatever the outcome will be) and don't give up (i.e. loop around the process described above as often and as long as it takes).

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Conflict resolution techniques that will change strife into positive emotions and strong relationships.